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It's National Chip Week!!!

"Frying Tonight!" Not the camp old screech of Kenneth Williams in Carry On Screaming, but your actual chips. And I don't mean the silicon sort neither. I found out last night that it's National Chip Week this week. A week-long celebration of that staple of the British diet. Mind you, I wasn't interested enough to find out if there were any "exciting" events on to celebrate the chip - so I've made some up.

All Week - Get on board the ChipXpress!!!!! The Department of Health's mobile demonstration of the virtues of the chip and it's place in a healthy diet will be touring the country, stopping in London, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Inverness, Grimsby and Penzance; see local press for details.

Monday - BBC2 8pm - Delia Smith's How to Cook Chips. In part one of a ten-part series Delia explains what a potato is, shows us her favourite potato peeler, and tell us which end of a knife to hold when cutting.

Tuesday - 11am - The new Chip Zone opens at the National Science Museum. Featuring the history of the chip - an interactive walk through time, situated inside a giant potato. There are also all the chips you can eat -free!!!! Seasoned Press hacks are looking forward to seeing the Prime Minister try out the Northern Night Out Chip Experience - you have to drink 12 pints, barge your way to the front of the queue in the chippy, and then nip into the back alley for a quick knee-trembler with the local slapper, taking care not to spill your chips, before staggering back home, thumping your wife and letting the dog have your leftovers.
BBC2 - 8pm - Delia Smith's How To Cook Chips (part two) - Delia addresses some of the more complex issues surrounding chips - Takeaway or frozen? Oven or fried? McCain's or Supermarket own brand?

Wednesday - Celebrity Ready Steady Cook Chips Marathon. 15 episodes of this godawful show, filmed live in the Chip Zone at the Science Museum. Expect tiresome innuendoes from Ainsley Harriot, cheeky repartee from Kevin Scouser (or whatever his name is), and extravagant use of curly fries from that gay one with the glasses. Fern Britton laughs like she's never heard a joke before.
BBC2 - 8pm - Delia Smith's How To Cook Chips (part three). At last, Delia shows us how to actually make some chips, and shows us her favourite deep fat frier. Then completely fucks it up by smothering them with creme fraiche and cranberries. Stupid tart.

Thursday - Various times, The Science Museum - Chips From Everywhere. A exciting look at chips from all over the world from the French Fries of America to the Mayonnaise-smothered abominations from Belgium.
BBC2 - 8pm - Delia Smith's etc (part four) - Delia gets on her high horse about healthy eating and shows us how to make other interesting potato-based accompaniments, such as potato cakes and rosti. Not fucking chips though, are they, love?
Channel 4 - 11pm - Channel 4's hilarious 11 O'Clock show leaps on the bandwagon, with lain Lee telling everyone his knob looks like a deep-fried Mars bar and Sarah Alexander asking the Minister for Food if he's ever tried cod coated with fanny batter. Laugh - you'll never stop.

Friday - All Day - Various office dullards will be boring their colleagues rigid by repeating Sarah Alexander's fanny batter joke ad nauseum. Meanwhile, at Alton Towers things go horribly wrong when the new Life of Charlie Chip ride malfunctions. Several people are peeled, sliced and plunging into boiling oil before it can be shut down.
BBC2 - 8pm - Delia etc.. - Tonight the mad old bint gets back on the subject of chips and shows you a brilliant way of making them using no fat whatsoever in a special pan (only £129 from Harrods), thus missing the entire point of chips. Mind you, she took burgers, pies and hot dogs off the menu at Norwich City, so what did we expect really?

Saturday - It's the National Chippery!!!!!! It's the Lottery, live from the Chip Zone, hosted by Dale Winton. But wait there's a twist - this week the numbered balls have been coated with batter and dropped in a frier and celebrity guest Posh Spice (who looks like she could do with a good nosh) has to pick them out by hand. Of course, she's got some protective gloves on, sadly.
BBC2 - 8.O5pm - Delia - cunningly timed not to clash with the thrill of the Lottery. Tonight, Delia shows us how to make chips from other vegetables. Look, love, its simple - potatoes, lard, big pan. Peel 'em, slice 'em fry em. that's it. Lord save us, there's another four programmes to go……